she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I just sharted jello shots
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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