woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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