So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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