She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
