i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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