I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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