He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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