i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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