it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
