Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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