I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
