She's JV to your varsity
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
