What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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