they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Boobs speak an international language.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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