i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
