the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
