Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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