God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
