thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
