i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
