i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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