I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize