dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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