Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Two words: blizzard sex
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
