please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
