my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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