don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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