I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
