I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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