why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
