my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
