"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
