A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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