mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
