We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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