I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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