conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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