its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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