Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
