So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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