I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
