bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
