Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
