It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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