no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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