What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
