Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
