just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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