Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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