there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
