Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
