I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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