The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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