ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
