You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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