I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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