well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
