I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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