I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
