I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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