I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
