Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize