it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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