he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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