the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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