he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
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