You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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