Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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