Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
